The following is a response to an op-ed in the Times written by Mormon poet Nicole Hardy. It may be helpful to read the article that she posted. Thanks to Kaneischa Johnson for posting the article on her blog.
There are a lot of weird, confusing things going on with us single people. We're all pretty amazing people. K, maybe not ALL, but many of... you guys are. You have grand ambitions and are loyal, trustworthy friends. You are faithful members of the Church who want the right things. You take care of yourselves and are very pretty or handsome, whatever the case may be. How is it that more of you aren't together? Because all women are independent feminists and all dudes are closet gays or porn addicts? Are we THAT judgmental and short-sighted of each other?
Does anyone else feel that the opposite sex has too high of expectations for a particular personal relationship? I hear of some girls who don't accept a first date, but with no reason given. I hear of some guys who don't ask for a first date because they don't want the girl to think that it's anything more than one person trying to get to know another person more. I hear bishops and their respective wives telling stories of getting engaged on their first date. That's not even dating! Do they want us to feel an hopelessly high expectation? Or be so ridiculously selective in whom we ask out that all the hard work, cooperation and discovery of having a successful dating life has already magically happened by the time we go to lunch for the first time?
Answers
I don't have any answers, hence this post. If I did, then I would be married and make all you single people figure it for yourselves. (Suckas!) But I AM a sucka. If a missing link even exists, I don't know what it is. "Just being oneself" is making for a lot of people who really should be what someone ELSE wants them to be--a process that comes naturally to some, and painfully to others. After all, I don't WANT to be who I am for my future wife. I want to be a gazillion times better than who I am now--for her!
Another non-answer: maybe there IS value in hanging-out? To lighten the pressure of getting to know someone in a private, one-on-one setting? To offer some kind of filter or buffer for our first impressions? If we're supposed to marry our best friend, maybe we should be dating our best friends; rather than the cute girl in church we asked out simply because she looks nice or the strange boy whom we were obligated to say "yes" to because Young Women class told us we have to.
Blink
I've been listening to the audiobook Blink by the Malcolm Gladwell. In it, he makes an argument against long, methodical reasoning sessions that some revert to every time a decision must be made. He says that while there are some situations when this drawn-out process is useful, there are many circumstances that are resolved better when left to snap judgments--made in the blink of an eye. Is a first date just such a case? Should a first date never last longer than 20 or 30 minutes? Just long enough to go for a drive or have a hot chocolate and find out if this person is compatible? What do guys need to do differently? What do girls need to do differently?
Questions and Non-Answers
I usually find questions more interesting than answers. It's exciting to think of a possible answer and just be proven wrong. I love trying a new technique in racquetball, only to realize that it was wrong. Exploration and discovery is fascinating to me. But this preference I have toward questions usually does not involve personal, intimate, eternal decisions. Of the many areas of my life, dating/marriage may be the only one that I would like an answer that works. At least every once in a while. Of course, if you have 20-30 minutes to give me some answers during, say, a drive or over some hot chocolate, I'll probably say yes. Cuz that's what I learned from Young Womens.
