Goffman and Dating

There is no bigger proponent of not applying everything we learn to “dating” than me, the one writing this portfolio entry. I find the near-constant comparisons to dating from random, un-related parts of our life to be trite, cliché, unhelpful, and uninspiring. Sorry to disappoint, but no, dating is not just like the mission and girls are not investigators; I’m certainly not going to stalk and shoot anyone, so the hunting reference is bust; and no matter how many times we call it the “ward menu,” we are not at a restaurant and I am not ordering a chimichanga. I have not yet experienced anything, ever, except for this social past time, that would compel me to call up a complete stranger with whom I’m “sure to have a great time” simply because she was referred to me by a mutual acquaintance; the time spent with each other, of course, dripping with romantic undertones (remember: stranger). Furthermore, it is my sincerest, deepest hope that I’ll be able to go throughout the rest of my life never experiencing something like this again. I’m not against dating at all. In fact, I quite like the companionship. But I am against comparing dating to things that have no semblance of dating; these comparisons made solely for the sake of… talking about dating.

So I decided that Goffman can tell us all about dating. While talking with my roommate, I actually said the words “How do you want girls to take you?” See, he’s a “dramaturgical dater.” He talks about going out on dates in a very official way, each partner playing his and her role just as expected. He has a very distinct appearance (the cologne he uses and the shoes he wears and the ice cream he buys for afterward—closest thing we come to a ‘night cap’.) His manner is just as can be expected (he asks the normal questions, like “What’s new and exciting in your life?”) He’s very organized and official and straight-laced. And from that, he’s been perceived and serious, hard to read, even intimidating.

This all came up last night when he was saying how much he appreciates a short text or email or Facebook message from a girl after taking her on a date. I had to ask him “Are you really all that surprised that they don’t do that?” A text or other friendly message is a very casual thing, and he is simply not a casual person, and does not establish a casual relationship. So, the post-date text would be out of context. (Is that called “con-contextual?”) Like we said in class, “we must know how to take others to know how to interact with them.” I don’t think a lot of girls know how to take my roommate. He says “I don’t know why these girls I date can’t show a little interest. Why can’t they meet me halfway?” this coming from a guy who cuts a Saturday night date short by a couple hours if he has Sunday morning church meetings (which really is just when it’s getting started.)

Goffman would be so proud of me for what I told him. I said that his official, organized, neat, intimidating manner is just fine. But you have to expect to be taken as you present yourself. And he’s having Goffman-esque success at it! People are treating him the way that he is acting. We are all giving him the standing ovation, even throwing roses onto the stage and yelling “Encore!” Girls are treating him as serious and efficient and mature by not sending him random text messages. His dude friends see how well he thrives in high-structure situations, and they send him a lot of blind date suggestions. We are surprised that he ends his dates early because he sees his church calling as more important than the last couple hours of a date, which may be the most important time of the date! “Bravo, my friend. Bravo! You are playing your part magnificently! We all know exactly how to take you.”

But, I told him, if you want the random text message and other flirty behavior, then you must present yourself that way. My mother could not be more correct than when she said “To make a friend, you must first be a friend.” Goffman adds “And others will then take you as a friend.”